So Many Things I Meant To Do

Happy Birthday Janis

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 02:36:59 GMT

http://setxbayou.blogspot.com/2008/01/lost-letters-of-janis-joplin-glimpse.html

Be true to yourself - it's all you got.

Finally!

Sat, 17 Mar 2007 15:11:24 GMT

I started smoking when I was 11 and would have been called a heavy smoker for the last 25 years. The key to stopping for me has been to learn to truly understand addiction. I am un-brainwashed...got that monkey off my back. I'm free! I know lots of people say this, and now I can join them. If I can do it, ANYBODY can! Heehee!

QuitMeter Counter courtesy of www.quitmeter.com.

Transparent Corporate Greed

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 23:00:06 GMT

Okay, don't get me wrong. I love the fact that we are trying to prevent cancer, and a cancer that affects women at that. Cool. But please don't force my young daughters to have the HPV vaccine. It's under-studied for current effects and side effects - Merck only tested the vaccine on less than 1200 girls under the age of 16. The long term effects are virtually unknown, including how long it lasts. Not to mention that it only might "help guard against diseases caused by" 4 types of HPV. (How many types are there? 100+?)

The plain truth is that routine annual exams are the best prevention against cervical cancer. But Merck doesn't make billions if we provide adequate medical care to all women. Yep. Billions. According to Business Week, Merck stands to profit by $2 billion with voluntary use of the vaccine, and that could top over $10 billion if made mandatory in the States. Makes the humanitarian angle of the promotion of the vaccine very suspect in my opinion.

The lobbyist in our State capitol was going on and on about some 3000 or so women in the U.S. dieing this year of cervical cancer (um, hello, they were likely found with invasive disease already because they didn't go to the doctor until they had symptoms, because they didn't have ACCESS!). I'm not trying to be cold and I'm sorry they have cancer, but let's put that number in perspective, shall we? Near that number of children around the world die DAILY from conditions of starvation. But Merck doesn't make billions by feeding kids either.

26 years ago today...

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 23:09:15 GMT

I gave birth to a baby girl I called Mia. Five days later I left the hospital and went back to being a teenager. I left the baby to be adopted by a family who would love and care for her like she were their own. From this perspective (all the wisdom that comes in the 40s *wink*), it was really _that_ simple.

I don't regret it. At that time, I made that decision as carefully as any 17 year old could have. I walked away and didn't waver. And I did it alone.

I do mark this day's passing each year with thoughts of that time in my life, though I don't dwell on it much. This year I feel sadder for some reason, but likely because of that self-reflection 'thing' that's been going on these past months. I have a history of noting feelings but not feeling them.

Mostly, I hope she's happy and healthy and well-loved.

Monika is 11!

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 21:08:30 GMT

That's ridiculous! (It's not even funny!) *wink*

Eleven years and one day ago at 5AM my water broke. No contractions but my midwife insisted I go to the birthing center. I spent the next 17 hours on my feet, walking up and down stairs, and all around the building to try to get labor started. By this time I was finally thoroughly exhausted, so it was decided I should have some pitocin, which started things going.

My sister and my older daughter (then 3) were with me, and at about midnight, contractions quite strong, she called my partner at work, and told him he should probably head over if he wanted to be around when the baby showed up. Events as I recall them over the next two hours are unclear. I know that Bear was there, my midwife and a nurse were there. At some point, it was decided 3 pediatricians needed to be there immediately at birth, and I know my sister and daughter left the room. I was in some dark primal place in my mind for much of the time until I was dragged back to reality by people yelling at me to PUSH!!

Not long after, a girl, no crying. The doctors didn't want her to take a breath until they made sure she wasn't going to aspirate any amniotic fluid that might have contained meconium. Those moments dragged on. No worries, though, as I was shortly handed a huge! baby, who promptly evacuated her bowels all over me!

Snow!

Fri, 16 Feb 2007 03:25:17 GMT

Snow for the entire season dumped all in one day! Yikes!

Main Street 2/14/07 1 PM

North Avenue 2/14/07 4 PM

Random cars 2/14/07 4 PM

Church Street 2/15/07 am

Girls Love Horsies

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 23:26:07 GMT

This takes a while to get started but it's worth the wait. The beginning has no sound but there is music.

The horses were trapped for 3 days on a tiny piece of land in wind and rain in the Netherlands. Apparently it had the nation mesmerized, watching the horses huddle against the wind and having to watch 18 of them die. First firemen, then the Dutch army, tried to rescue them - both unsuccessfully. So 4 WOMEN on horseback rode out to the rescue. Here's a video of it. Leave it to the women.

http://video.google.nl/videoplay?docid=-4584913278289860160

The Other Sister

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 03:57:18 GMT

I have one sister whom I haven't spoken with in a long time. Many years - 7 or 8 by now. For a long time she wouldn't have anything to do with any of us, but in the last few years she has been communicating with our mother, so we do hear what she's up to now and then. She is brilliant (multiple degrees from prestigious universities), extremely beautiful, and was born under a lucky star for sure. Additionally, she's a very hard worker and certainly deserves all credit due her in the career department. But...I digress.

She's also completely batshit crazy. That's another story too.

Anyway...

This is the latest tidbit from Mom. She's a professor at a fairly noted college in upstate New York, but recently she had an interview at Yale. It went well and she's very happy because where she works now is too elite.

Days Go By

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 23:38:11 GMT

How did it get to be February?

Work is busy and the employee door seems to be one way. Nurses leaving but none coming in. Not good for those of us remaining as expectations (demands?) increase exponentially. There's only so much one person can do in a 7.5 hour day guarantee. The pro/con list for this job is starting to get a bit more lop-sided toward the negative; still, I can't imagine working elsewhere presently. It's a lovely, lovely feeling to be invited into someone's home to care for them, and I'm not willing to give that up. There is so much pleasure for me watching people recover themselves and supporting that. And little surprises on a regular basis which makes the work fun. Each person is a puzzle to be figured out. There are common threads, but each case requires a bit of personalization. I love to figure it out.

This week, I admitted a young man of 20 with a postoperative infection. It was delightful to watch someone so at ease with the technology of home IV therapy, especially after so many cases with people who, for one reason or another, are afraid to do things for themselves, or refuse to even try. Whether it is his age, or attitude, or merely where he is in his life, it's nice sometimes to have people just do what they are supposed to do, rather than make excuses why they can't read the directions, let alone just plain be responsible for their own physical health. I do have a very high tolerance for people who are helpless, and eventually, I think I end up case managing a disproportionate number of these people compared to my colleagues, so maybe that's why this case is such a treat.

Meanwhile, Bear continues to get more toxic on his meds (27 weeks down, 21 to go), and so I am more a single parent than ever. The girls do rally but they need a lot of attention.

High school report cards came in the mail this week and all privileges restored to the eldest (happy dance!). Elementary school fund-raising is at crunch time for any 5th year field trips to occur, which doesn't look too promising. The 5-year old volunteered that I could make cupcakes for 100 kids next Wednesday! At least she's given me more than a day's notice. (This whole paragraph gags me on so many levels).

So another week passes and again I didn't even really think about what I wanted to think about which is my soul, my spirituality, my sexuality. All my time spent on other people's needs. Sometimes I'm happy about it, sometimes not. But I feel like I'm not doing much with my life, even though I can see I matter in a lot of ways when I write about what I did. And why do I feel selfish for even thinking that someone else should consider me?

Smoke on the Water

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 02:12:01 GMT

Unless you really, really like this song, especially the infamous rif, don't teach your 10 year old to play it on her guitar.

Just another Wednesday

Thu, 18 Jan 2007 03:22:27 GMT

Monday, I returned to work after a two week hiatus. One of my clients had been admitted to the hospital that very day and later died. Not that I am surprised that he died, but feel awfully sorry for myself that I didn't get to see him one more time. I thought he'd be around at least a few more months even though I did understand how very sick he was. But what would I have done if I had seen him alive again?

I hate death. I'm the Pollyanna type nurse who wants everybody to get better, which is why I work in the area I do. I don't do hospice and I'm not good at it. It's so difficult for me when clients who I've cared for over the years get to the end of their lives because they very often want to stay under my care, and I just feel I don't do this time of their lives justice. But this one especially upsets me because I didn't even get the chance to do anything.

I'm searching for the lesson I'm supposed to learn from this.

Little House in the Suburbs

Tue, 09 Jan 2007 01:34:13 GMT

Going on six years ago, we moved into this house. We moved in on May 26 and on June 10, I gave birth to my youngest child. Consequently, we've not yet finished unpacking.

It's not a very well made house. It's a 1950s "thanks for your war service, here's your house," constructed with cheap materials in a few days, piece of crap. Plus it's small, too small for all of us. And the previous owner, while thinking he was quite the thrifty handyman, has caused repairs to be expensive and complicated. The neighborhood, however, is great for kids, and the yard is fabulous, so my strategy is to just stay out of the building itself.

In the winter, here we are, stuck indoors for long periods. It gets downright discouraging looking around at all the things that need attention. I am not working this week so decided to get into a home improvement project ~ clean out and paint our bedroom. I'm already somewhat sorry I started. It's never simple around here. Paint over wallpaper, which is peeled in places so needs to be removed. However, apparently, when it was last painted, whoever did it glued the seams and torn edges of the wallpaper to the wall. Had I started this project years ago, I would have been incredulous. Now I know it's par for the course. So, instead of a quick 2-3 day thing, it's going to take the entire week.

I'm keeping my eye on the prize though. By Saturday, added to the satisfaction of a job well done, I'll have a private retreat which I can enter to escape the rest of the house for awhile when I need that.

What can I say? I'm attracted to bikers, not bankers.

Fri, 05 Jan 2007 18:17:29 GMT

Bear got his hair cut off this morning. It's a short, conservative cut. I know this is almost as traumatic for him as it was for me (sometimes, I am very shallow).

You never know which side effect of chemo will bother you the most. Here's this man with a host of symptoms knocking him around, and the one that bothers him most? Hair loss.

I can now honestly say it's not the hair that fans the fire. *wink* Still, I'll be glad when he grows it back.

Where is it we live again?

Fri, 05 Jan 2007 13:32:21 GMT

Bush's War on Privacy continues...

Honestly, I don't recognize this place.

Later that same day...

Fri, 05 Jan 2007 02:52:39 GMT

Remarkably, I feel better. Is it possible that today spending a few hours thinking and taking the extra step to put thoughts into words has actually helped? So why did I wait so long? Well, like Bear says, timing matters.

Susie came to work where I work about 2 years after me. I ended up being her preceptor, and we hit it off immediately. Soon, we started spending a lot of time together. We have children similar ages, and they could keep each other occupied so we could talk and talk and talk for hours. Also we played games with the kids, and we played adult card games, and talked some more. We shared many dinners ~ worked together all day and then still wanted to get together in the evening. We started a book group together ~ which is still active to this day. The first summer after we met, I think we got together at least 4 nights weekly and we really didn't lessen that except when one or the other of us were out of town.

This was phenomenal for me because 1) I'm a homebody and 2) a bit of a loner and 3) never, ever, ever had this type of relationship before. Susie has lots of friends, and often spent time with other people as well (those other 3 days *smile*) ~ a real people person. A person who has lifelong friendships and makes time to keep them. Funny, smart, caring, sharing, honest, open but also vulnerable and uncertain in some things. Through this relationship, I came to realize I had been very lonely because I never indulged myself in this way, and I was extremely happy to have this part of my life fulfilled. I marvelled at it and was a better person for it. I swear, I have never in my life laughed so heartily as I have when I was with her. I have never loved, truly with all that I know how to, a friend before this time.

I know that she enjoyed our time together too. But whereas I had my Bear (who worked evenings during this time ~ who knows if I would have even pursued this if he had been home ~ but that's another musing), Susie was divorced and raising her kids on her own. And she was lonely in a different way. We often talked about this, and I know that on many eveings when her children were with their father, she went out and picked up men to help her feel less lonely.

So one night, after dinner with a group of people, we and another girlfriend went back to Susie's, and drank more wine. After awhile, she said she wanted to tell us something ~ and the funny thing is ~ we both thought we knew what she was going to say. Her announcement was that she was in love with our boss. Butt-crazy in love I believe were her exact words. You would think that we would have been surprised that she was now saying she was in love with a woman, but no. We just didn't expect it to be _that_ woman. A woman who we didn't feel was the right woman for her. How crazy is that? Because both I and the other woman exclaimed at the exact same time "M? I thought it would be J!" Funny, in a sweet way, now that I think about it.

Even then, nothing really changed because Susie needed a lot of support on two levels now, and I could be there for her and give back to her something in return for what she had given me. True, I wasn't exactly happy about her being in love with our boss. It did matter now, that I had to be careful about some things I would say about work, but I feel I tried to keep that out of it. I'm sure I could have done better, but sometimes I was afraid. Somehow, I knew that it was the beginning of the end, and I didn't want to lose it. Still it was a couple of years of anguish for her about having a love that wasn't readily returned, and about her feelings about the fact that she was coming out. In this time, I still had my friend.

Eventually, things did work out between her and M. and, as in all new relationships, that required time and care, and it did take away from our time together, and eventually it took away all our time, because that relationship became her focus. And it's not like we don't still see each other daily at work, and we even get together a couple, three times a year. But it is different. Here's where I have trouble again because while I have felt sorry for myself so much, I still am very happy for her. She deserves that happiness. Her love life before M. was trying at best, abusive at worst. So it does cause much conflict in me that I struggle with this. And I even like my boss! So I shouldn't really have a problem at all. Well, I won't rationalize away my feelings. They are what they are.

So, I don't know, maybe now that I have defined it a bit, I can move on. Maybe I need to make an effort to meet new people. I think at least that I made progress in putting my emotional house in order ~ so that's a good thing.

And Onward

Thu, 04 Jan 2007 20:18:39 GMT

I have been thinking today about the people I love(d) and the different ways I love(d) them. I keep trying to find the reason why I have these days where I miss Susie so much I cry about it. I try to examine all the relationships I've had and why this one affects me so. I was abandoned by a parent as a child and I didn't get as upset as this. I was extraordinarily close to my maternal grandmother, who died when I was 15, and I didn't get as upset as this.

It's silly, and I keep telling myself to just get over it, but these days keep happening so I'm not done learning whatever it is I'm supposed to learn. It's not like anything bad happened even. Our lives just moved in different directions. Maybe these days of sadness are just days where I need to feel connected to a person where I can be just me, not a mother, or wife, or daughter, or sister, or employee.

Getting warmer?

Thu, 04 Jan 2007 14:29:15 GMT

I'm going to have to deal with my messed up relationship with my friend Susie. It is still, after 5 years, foremost in my mind on many days.

I have not had many friends in my life. Maybe the lessons you learn early in life about how people can disappoint you make you a little distant and unwilling to completely invest yourself for fear of pain.

I had a few girlfriends, the same few, the entire time I was growing up, but I wasn't really close to them, even though we spent almost every spare minute together. I did things with them - school things, shopping, 'hanging' out. We shared secrets, hopes & longings, but at that time in my life, it was more about the experiences than what the relationship was. I know a few times I was surprised at things I didn't know about them after practically growing up together, and wondering why they didn't tell me. My life was certainly open to them, the facts anyway, even if I did often keep my feelings to myself (I usually held different opinions and didn't like to be ridiculed or to have to explain). I haven't seen these girls in decades though I live only an hour away now.

My best friend, for a long time, was my cousin. We shared an apartment (my first time being on my own) and I learned a great deal about being a "grown-up" from her. Then I got married, and she got married, and then children, and now we haven't even spoken for at least 3 years. People's lives get busy and they drift apart. Christmas cards exchanged. I still feel close to her, but she's family. I don't know if that counts.

Others have wandered in and out of my life. Usually I have met people through jobs I've worked, and have had many memorable times and activities, but nothing that stuck. Nothing that you try to maintain once distance (real or imaginary) got in the way. I admit that I am selfish with my time. I want to do what I want to do mostly. I like to be included, and spend time with people, but I don't go out of my way to be social or seek out company.

Partly, it's shyness too and probably a whole bunch of other negative adjectives about self-esteem. And now this has taken a turn into an area I really didn't want to explore. It's probably necessary. But I can't do it right now.

More Power!

Wed, 03 Jan 2007 16:24:02 GMT

Our Founders believed in the wisdom of the American people to choose their leaders and provided for the concept of divided and effective government.

He writes these words, but I am quite sure he knows not what they mean. Two more years. Could it possibly get worse? I fear the answer may be yes.

2007

Mon, 01 Jan 2007 13:51:06 GMT

2006 flew by. I decided a long time ago that it wasn't a good idea to set myself up for failure so I'll not make any New Year's resolutions.

I'll just keep working on those same areas that I am always striving to improve. Choose a healthier diet, get enough sleep, get enough exercise, keep up with the laundry, don't get behind in my paperwork at work, (this list could go on quite awhile!), etc., etc.

I prefer to remind myself today of some general principles I try to follow everyday.

Show up.
Pay attention.
Tell the truth without placing blame.
Don't be too attached to outcomes.

Great Big Sea!!

Sat, 30 Dec 2006 01:51:41 GMT

Tour dates starting to be announced!

In Sickness and In Health

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 03:50:30 GMT

Bear started chemotherapy for Chronic Hepatitis C last July - about 12 years after diagnosis, and 33 years after contracting it. Back then, there wasn't even a name for it. He is just about 1/2 way through treatment. This is a man who has been ill very few days in his life, and ignored it and went about business as usual, when he was. Spartan.

Last February, he went from the picture of health to being completely bedridden due to a urinary tract infection. The seriousness of testing that followed was extremely trying physically and emotionally. Being in the health care field, naturally, my mind wandered to the worst possible outcomes. Still, he weathered it all with a fairly sunny attitude and is responding with the best expectations to treatment.

The medication is awful though. The less of the virus there is to kill, the more of the side effects he experiences. And his immune system is so weak, he seems to always be running a fever, or have a cold, or just feel out of sorts. He's constantly anemic too, and it's not easy to get iron into a non-meateater who doesn't much care for green vegetables either.

This is a different person than the one I have been married to for the last couple of decades. I'm not always sure I like this part of him, but I guess in the big picture, I am grateful that he does feel he can depend on me to take care of him - educate, nurse, comfort. Yet it's weird sometimes because it's such a new part of him that I really didn't know ~ someone who needs to be taken care of in this way. He says it was easy for him to choose the treatment because the alternative was unacceptable, but I also know that choosing to share the weakness is not easy for him.

There's a new depth and richness here that wouldn't have come into our relationship without having this experience together. Looking back over the years, I can see how the illness may have complicated our lives while we likely made other excuses. On the other hand, I also don't want to invalidate the reality of those complications (if that makes sense...it does to me anyway).

I'm sure there's more to explore here. It's on my mind today because he's more sick than usual.

Christmas Eve

Sun, 24 Dec 2006 12:32:07 GMT

This is my favorite day in the line-up of the season. No other day is as magical ~ every possibility exists.

The Mind of the Modern 14 year old Girl

Sat, 23 Dec 2006 13:07:40 GMT

I had this recent conversation with my daughter after we had stopped at Starbucks.

Girl: You know why I like this kind of cup? I think it goes really well with a cute outfit.

Me: *laughing* Coffee as an accessory.

Girl laughs too.

Me: (making fun) Oooooh! What a cute cup of coffee! Where'd you get it?

Girl: (joining in) Yeah! Work that latte!

She has an acute sense of humor. I hope she doesn't smother it worrying about what she's wearing.

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 06:22:02 GMT

Aack!

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 04:06:52 GMT

Work was outrageous today. I had a referral for home IV antibiotics and wound care ~ not uncommon. I get to the client's home and they have been waiting for me to administer IV morphine! IV Morphine? Yes, IV morphine. Might have been nice to have had a heads-up about that in the referral. Not to mention, the necessary supplies were not in the home and the pharmacy was not able to deliver for some hours.

Also, I'm not ready for Christmas!